The Joke Box

Posted in News on 22nd October 2018

Irish Jokes

 

From now on we thought we’d give all our service users the opportunity to drop us a joke by email.  This is one came into https://www.birthsdeathsmarriages.ie/ from a client a while back and we just have to share! 😆 We’ll post all contributions here every Monday.  Please feel free to email yours in to [email protected] and we’ll try to include them on The Joke Box! ☘☘☘😊

Sent in by Paul J in Dublin:

“An Irish man went to confession in his local Parish Church ..

‘Father’, he confessed, ‘its been one month now since my last confession…
I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month ..’

The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven ☺😇.. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s ..’

Soon thereafter, Another Irish man entered the confessional ..

‘Father, it has been two months since me last confession 🙏 I’ve playing around with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months ..’

This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who IS this Fanny Green .. ?’

‘A new woman in the village father, he replied. …

‘Very well’, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s’ .. 🙏📿

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
shapely, stunning Redheaded woman 👩  entered the sanctuary ..

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest ..

Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes ..

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she Wasn’t wearing any underwear. 😲

The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, ‘Is That Fanny Green …?’

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,  “No Father, I think it’s just a Reflection from her shoes’ …!!”  😂😆😜

Sent to us by Trisha in Sligo:

A Dublin Solicitor went duck hunting in Sligo.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the law man climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The Solicitor snootily responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not to trespass.”

The Solicitor (being very offended) said, “I am one of the best lawyers in Ireland and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you for all you have.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Sligo. We settle arguments like this with the Sligo Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What’s the Sligo Three-Kick Rule?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”  The solicitor quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the aul fella. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the big-shot solicitor. His first kick planted the toe of his steel toe capped welly boot into the solicitor’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly broke the mans nose. The solicitor was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney made him roar in agony. The solicitor struggled to his feet groaning and said, “Right, you old git! Now, it’s my turn!”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Ah no it’s alright. You can have the duck!”

 

Sent in by Alan, Dublin

 

A priest was called away for an emergency.

Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.

After a few minutes a woman enters and says:

“Father, forgive me for I have sinned.”

The priest asks: ” What did you do?”.

The woman says: “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Woman: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put €5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.

He says “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What did you do?”

Man: “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Man: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s put €5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it, so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says:

“Father, forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi: “What did you do?”

Woman: “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi: “How many times?”

Woman: “Once.”

Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for €5.”  😯😜😂

 

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